My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
