if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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