You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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