i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
