please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
