forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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