Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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