Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
