Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
where does the pee come out of this thing
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
