I'm gonna have a badass scar
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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