when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
people are starting to question the shark bite story
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
