Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
