can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
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