I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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