Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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