K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
