Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
