I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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