I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
We need to get me chipped asap
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