last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
