The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize