you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
