People in love make me want to vomit
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
