the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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