I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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