everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
