about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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