a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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