my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
