i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
