Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
