I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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