Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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