I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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