he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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