I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
