I hate your face
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
