I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
