sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
