I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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