if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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