My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
