I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
