My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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