if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
