it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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