I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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