Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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