so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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