The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
