They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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