People in love make me want to vomit
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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