thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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