Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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