Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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