plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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