id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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