All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just pynch a tree in the face
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
